you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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