I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I skipped work to stalk him.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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