I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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