We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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