having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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