Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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