is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My breasts were aching with rage.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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