I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
