If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
