I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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