we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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