You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
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he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
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Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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