3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
