moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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