you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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