why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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