dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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