my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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