just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
