You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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