i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
