It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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