I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
