I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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