sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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