Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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