i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
