why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
