I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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