and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
