Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You are the jesus of drinking
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
