I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
