i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
