Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
