I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
