It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
