New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
