Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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