That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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