awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
