I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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