Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
