Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
