youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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