Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
