yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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