THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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