I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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