I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
