wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
