im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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