I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
