I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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