I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
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You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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