is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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