I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
