You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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